Last Christmas...not quite (thank god)

George Michael is out of the woods, health-wise (though he may still be found in some urban woods on occasion, near the lavatories is your best bet). Thank god! Any child of the 80s I'm sure would agree that this man has sound-tracked our lives and is a national institution. It sounds like it was a very close call for our pop prince, and I am relieved we get to hang on to this great talent. Yeah, it's not cool to love George's music, but it is clever. George, you are a great talent and hold a special place in our hearts. And at this time of year with the iconic song and video (check those frosted highlights!) - Last Christmas - your place in our thoughts was all the more poignant. Love you, George! Get well soon. x

Blue Christmas

Ooh, they just give you a warm feeling, don't they?

I love Christmas. Love the traditions, the decorations, the time off work. Woo! But what is with all the blue lights? What is warm, welcoming and Christmassy about them? Nothing! They are emergency service blue, cold, alien like and unwelcoming. Hey, if you want your home to look like an accident hotspot, then go ahead and slather it in emergency service blue lights. But I'd rather you didn't. Bleurgh!

Those police cars are just sooo Christmassy!

Poor judgement call of the week: X Factor song choice

This week we got to hear the X Factor finalists sing their versions of the winner's song that would then be released to the general public. We heard it at least 3 times, once by Marcus Collins, and twice by Little Mix. And each time they opened their mouths and uttered the opening lyrics featuring the line, "There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth" I wondered why no one on their production team had vetoed this song, or questioned the appropriateness of a song featuring this line considering the X Factor's main audience is basically children. "Mummy, why are Little Mix saying they still have taste of someone in their mouth?"...."Mummy, have they been eating someone?"

Slightly creepy advert of the week



Middle-aged lady aliens just wanna have fa-hun!

 

Argos. Although it goes against my better judgement, the alien family in your Christmas adverts are quite endearing. Still pretty crappy adverts, but I did find myself chuckling to the family repeating the famous "we're walking in the air" lyrics whilst watching The Snowman. We all do it, don't we? Adopting that falsetto choir boy voice. However, my point today is a poor judgement call by the ad-makers. Although it is hard to ascertain the alien parent's age, they are recognisably voiced by Bill Nighy (approx. 60 years old) and Caroline Quentin (approx. 50 years old), so when the dad says, "Mmmmm....egg nog" followed by the mother's, "Mmmm....Bieber" there's something a little wrong about a 50something lady seemingly wet at the idea of babyface teen Bieber. Firstly, I would question the credability of any female over the age of 20 finding Bieber appealing or sexually attractive? And secondly, if it were the dad saying, "Mmmm....Miley" over teen star Miley Cyrus, that would definitely be creepy, wouldn't it? Yet another example of the advertisers wheeling out the contemporary media cliche of "women, we're so sexually liberated now. Our lives are just like an episode of Sex and The City!" Tired and irritating to say the least. And, in the Argos case, creepy and wrong. I'm not going on a Daily Mail style moral crusade here but, Argos, that was a poor judgement call. "Mmmm...Bieber" Ew!
 
 

Bieber - Granny jail bait?



Peter Barlow...probably the best alcoholic in the world...

Peter Barlow of Coronation Street. How fantastic is this character? I’ll admit I’ve been harbouring a crush on Peter for many years. That olive skin, those big brown puppy eyes, the vulnerability, the twinkle in the eye, the touch of darkness and tragedy. He’s a great character, and his battle with the booze has been brilliantly and sympathetically written by the excellent Corrie writers and sensitively and realistically portrayed by  the actor Chris Gascoyne.  This time last year in the famous tram crash episodes we went on a rollercoaster ride of emotions as we waited to see whether Peter would survive. What relief then that he survived the soap axe falling and lived to fight another day. 

This week his smouldering chemistry with similarly damaged and vulnerable Carla came to a head. And, as much as I love Leanne’s character, I’m sure I’m not alone in wanting to see Peter and Carla get to try out that chemistry. They have struggled with their attraction and it has smouldered and smoked, and finally it ignited! Can’t wait to see this one play out. Just hope Carla doesn’t get burnt, and that Peter doesn’t go on his self-pitying bent as he is wont to do.  As a viewer I much prefer to see Peter happy and on the up than wallowing in the mire of self pity. Once again, Corrie, great work, keep it up!

Media Cliché no. 2: Ladies, did you know that chocolate is just like sex?

Oh advertisers, get over yourselves! The oldest cliché in the advertisers book is the old “chocolate is like sex” cliché. From the 70’s and 80’s flake adverts that depicted women sucking the life out of a phallic piece of chocolate to these much more enlightened times where advert ladies wrap their chops round a big ole Magnum, yes, that’s right, we’ve really come a long way. These days though, ladies, it’s all about “empowerment”, it’s all about taking control of your own sexual pleasure and all those other therapy buzz words and self-help speak that advertisers use to try and persuade us that they are not exploiting us ladies, but reflecting our go-getting, career-ladder-climbing, multi-tasking, wife/mother/lover,having-it-all, Sex and the City fabulous lives. Look at me -  I'm Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda! Gee! It's exhausting being a sexy modern lady!   

Today’s pick to demonstrate this point is one that, whilst irritating, never fails to amuse. Galaxy. Oh, you cheeky monkeys! You put out an advert innocently purporting to be about one girl’s love of her chocolate, and how her girlie flatmates sometimes steal her irresistible confection, but, thankfully, she has a spare bar hidden in secret place.  The ad has a slightly creepy and obviously sexual undertone - from the cheesy and suggestive opening line as the girl reclines alone on the sofa (“Mmmmm...I know what I feel like.” -Yes, we get it, a good wank) to the moody lighting, and the vaguely sinister “which one was it this time?” as she looks at a picture of her bosom pal flat-mates (are they really pals, or are they something more…? Or, do they really hate each other?) Now… replace the chocolate bar she is searching for with a sex toy and the ad takes on a whole other meaning. These ladies have no boundaries it seems and are happy to share sex toys. Ew! Fortunately she has a spare hidden in a special box that her friends don’t know about…. Thanks, Galaxy! Not sure if it fits in the so bad its good category, but it certainly gives me a simultaneous cringe and chuckle every time.

Media Cliché no 1: “I’m a sexy, confident woman so I’m gonna dance with my arms above my head. Yeah! Whoo! Look at me! I’m so sexy and confident!”

This tiresome cliché is well illustrated by Stacey Solomon in the latest Iceland adverts. The advert’s premise is that Stacey finishes her live tour and begins to drive home for Christmas (cue Stacey’s new single: Driving Home for Christmas).


In the following series of adverts we see Stacey partying with her friends and family and, hey presto! rather uncomfortably performing the “I’m a sexy, confident woman” arms above the head dance. Look away now if you are of an easily cringable disposition....

Now, I’m not gonna knock Stacey here. She seems a perfectly lovely young lady, and her discomfort and awkwardness at having to perform this little cliché in the advert is palpable, which actually adds to her “ordinary” likability, because most of us non-showy types would feel the same cringe of shame and having to do this “dance, monkey-boy, dance” routine. Part of this girl’s charm is her non-stage-schooled un-starriness, and despite the advertisers and her PR people capitalising on Stacey’s “ordinariness” and ramming it down our throats, the charming Eliza Doolittle awkwardness and unpretentiousness of Ms Solomon is still as yet unsullied by Showbiz. But for a little schadenfreude, let’s picture ourselves at the scene. Our heroine Stacey is surrounded by ambitious, hardened media types, and desperate fame-hungry models and bit-part actors:

ADVERT DIRECTOR: Now Stacey, love, we want those plebs out there to aspire to your Dagenham Girl Done Good lifestyle, so here in this party scene you need to show the world how happy you are; how sexy and confident you are, and the best way to do that is to do a twirling dance throwing your arms above your head in a devil may care way. A way that says, “I’m a sexy, confident woman. Whoo! Look at me! I’m having the time of my life!”. Ok?

STACEY: Ermmm…ok.

(Stacey stares into space, remembering a pre X Factor time and wondering if she has sold her soul to the devil….)

"I'm a sexy, confident woman, blah, blah, blah" dance also likely to be found:

Any of The Apprentice advert tasks where the candidates have an advert that they film taking place in the sexy world of nightclubs and young people. Anything the Apprentice candidates decide is a good idea to put into an advert is a tired old cliché that needs to be laid to rest.

ALSO RELATED TO:

Every m*therf*cking advert that relates something to sex (see: practically every advert in the world ever), but especially annoying are the women’s orgasm ads – chocolate = sex, food = sex, shampoo = sex…Yes, we get it!!!!

 Women: Did you know you are liberated now? You are allowed to enjoy sex and everything!   Now, why not throw your arms in the air and do a sexy, confident dance? Now, while you’re there why not start making some orgasmic style moans? Keep going…I’m just going to get my video camera….

Makes you yearn for the days of Victorian repression.

Sack the stylist (or better yet, why not employ one in the first place, rather than just letting John from Accounts with his interest in amateur photography just botch together some shots)

Winter is upon us (or not quite in the UK) but anyone with memories of last year’s pre-Christmas ice over will be thinking about what the hell we’re gonna be putting on our feet to stay warm and upright this year. So, after doing lots of research and finding that a lot of snow boots may not actually have great traction on ice (and let’s face it, fresh snow is actually easy to walk in, you get plenty of traction, it’s ice that’s the problem, yet so few shoes seem equipped to deal with slippery surfaces) I have gone for the belt and braces approach and got snow boots and some separate additions to add to the shoes for icy conditions. These gripper type things are yet to be road tested, so cannot comment yet as to whether they live up to their claims, however when it comes to their publicity shots, their styling leaves a lot to be desired…

Nice jeans, dude. Snow-wash circa 1988? About due a comeback, surely? Jeans in snow? My mum would not approve, “Why, they offer you no protection against the cold! And that fabric just acts like a wick in the wet.” He’ll have soaking wet knees by the time he gets to work, that’s for sure!

Was the thinking here, “Let’s find the most inappropriate winter shoes to show how great our product is for gripping”?  Nice Wallabies, guys. Also liking the slightly too short skinny jeans and socks combo.

Talking of inappropriate….


Pretty Woman on Ice: The Musical

Oh, baby! Loving the look! These are marketed at people who still want to wear their stilettos in the snow and ice. Seriously? If the weather has got so bad that you are looking for some serious equipment just to help you stay upright, then wouldn’t ditching the hooker boots be your first step? Or is there a specialist market out there that I haven’t considered? Streetwalkers’ snow-wear, suggested taglines:

When you need to turn that trick, our grips will catch that dick.

When you need to get that fix, and have to turn some tricks, make sure you choose our rubber grips.

This winter, this is the other rubber you can’t do without.